Sleeping through the night.

That is something I have not done in over a year. And do you know what I am sick of? People telling me how to make it happen. How their babies slept through right away. How I must be doing something wrong that mine still isn't. Do you honestly think that I haven't tried (or at least read about) every possible method in the last 10 months? Do you think I enjoy waking up 3-5 times a night enough that I would just forget about it?
I have realized, through freaking out about my baby being "different", that he is just that- different (as is EVERY baby). Here is a brief account of the methods we have tried. Maybe it will help someone going through the same thing to realize that nothing is wrong with your kid. He (or she) will eventually sleep all night.
1. Stuffing the baby with food: I was pressured a lot to start my son on cereal earlier than suggested (probably from about 3 months old). I stood firm in my decision to wait to introduce solids. My son was born with TERRIBLE digestive problems. I knew that introducing something other than breast milk too early would just make it worse. And, true to what I knew then, giving him solid food did NOT help him sleep better. We stuff him full of tons of food before his nightly bath. He still wakes up hungry. This is because he is an active boy. Some may say that these night feedings are more habit than necessity. I do not believe this is the case. He nurses well at night and goes right back to sleep. It is obvious to me that he needs this time.
2. Routine: We have had a strict nightly routine since birth. I adhere to scheduled naps and planned bedtime rituals. While this has helped greatly, it will not make your child decide to sleep all the way through. There is no magical solution. Ritual just makes things regular. I have plenty of friends with perfect sleeping babies who have no routine whatsoever. It sucks, but it's true.
3. Crying it out: I know this is really controversial, but it actually does kind of work. We used the method laid out in the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". It used to take hours to get Cohen to go to sleep. I would sit and rock him and nurse him, fraying my nerves to their last inch. Now, Cohen puts himself to sleep. All we have to do is throw him in the crib! It is awesome. On the other hand, this did not magically make him sleep all the way through. We have been letting him cry when he wakes up at night for at least 10 minutes every time for months now. My conclusion is that he is just not ready.
4. Co-sleeping: Did not work for us. Period. It's awesome that it works for some people. I am all for it. Honestly, I think unless you are drunk or a creepy heavy sleeper, there is more of a chance you will get in a car accident with your baby than roll over on him. That being said, Cohen is too social of a baby. He wants to play when he is with us. He wakes up constantly. It is not a good fit for his personality.
My son is a playful and energetic boy. He reaches all of his milestones early, which puts him in an almost constant period of growth spurting. He can't sleep because he is so active and growing. Also, he is breast fed. For those of you that have babies like mine. Stop feeling bad about it. Stop comparing your child to other people's. Let him be who he is. One day he will sleep through the night... and I will go in every two hours and blow a fog horn to get him back for this. Just kidding... but sometimes that seems like a wonderful idea.

10 Honest Things

I was tagged by Llijy, and am therefore bound.
1. I am a salt addict. I try to hide it, but I love salt. When I was pregnant, I tried to put salt on everything I ate, including desserts and fruit. But, I had to stop because I was gaining too much weight.
2. Sometimes when I am breastfeeding my baby in the middle of the night, I feel like a slave/prisoner. Like not even my night or my body is my own. It's worth it.
3. The first few hours I was in labor, I just thought I had to poo really bad.
4. My dad hasn't gotten me a Birthday present in at least five years... so I pretend like I never remember the date of his.
5. I am happier than I have ever been.
6. I am ashamed that I am poor, also- I am ashamed that I am ashamed. I've been all over the world. Who cares if I live in a one bedroom?
7. I lost a lot of friends when I had a child.
8. I am extremely germaphobic. Yes, yes, you can tell me a million times that germs are good... and I know that... but I can't help being creeped out. It's not necessarily just germs... I see snot and feces and MRSA on every surface. So I sanitize it. (yes, I know you can't sanatize away MRSA)
9. Conversely, Cohen's snot and feces and saliva do not gross me out in the least bit. I think my own freak me out more.
10. I don't know if I will ever get used to the way my body has changed since having a baby. No one prepares you.

I don't really follow 10 other people... so if you read this, I tag you.

Sitting here watching the wheels go round and round.

I am going to stop apologizing for my lack of blogging. It just seems to add to my guilt, making me avoid coming on here at all. Which is strange. There are so many things I wish I would have done with this blog. I wish I would have typed out a sentence or something for every milestone. I wish I would have more closely followed his liver issues so that it might help someone else going through the same thing. I wish I would have taken more time to reflect on how being a mother this first year has changed me.
But really, it's not too late, right?
He is ten months old now. Still no teeth, but he can almost walk.
It is hard for me to express how much I want to give him, and how, despite the fact that I have done everything to be a good mother, I haven't done enough. It is the strangest emotion I have ever experienced. No matter what I achieve, there is always something that I haven't done.
Which circles back around to the guilt I was talking about. No one but a mother understands a mother's guilt. How it is possible to have enormous weights in your chest about things as small as not being able to remember an exact date or time or hour.

Comments not working?

So my blog won't allow people to post comments unless I use this janky template... any idea why?

There is a crack in everything

My son is beautiful. I miss him even when he sleeps next to me. Every part of him gives me joy. I even like the smell of his sweaty feet. Is that weird?
Sometimes, I get sad that this seven month old baby will not be around for very long. One day he'll get a tooth and that sweet toothless smile will be gone.
It's going too fast all of the sudden.

Such a long, long time...

Isn't it funny how I said I would write in this blog every day... and now 6 months have passed without a word from me. Why? I have to say that I have been drowning in motherhood. More or less. The more time I allow to pass without writing, the more intimidated I feel about updating everyone on the goings on of the past (over) 6 months...Here it goes:

1. My son was obviously collicy, but now (at 7 months) is out of that mess and a happy joy... although he is still not sleeping through the night.
2. He can crawl and stand up and is a baby genius.
3. We have been going through many health things when it comes to him. He has some mystery liver ailment that the doctors cannot diagnose. He has been tested for everything, even going so far as a liver biopsy. Despite not having a diagnosis, he is getting better and now needs to be seen only every 3 months.
4. He was also recently diagnosed with asthma, which is genetic and a pain in the ass. I find myself periodically questioning why my child is sick when I try to do everything perfectly... and some smokers and generally bad people have perfectly healthy babies...
5. We moved out of my mother's about 5 months ago and live in a small apartment... we are looking to buy a house when the lease is up.
6. I got a job teaching literature part time at a private, extremely conservative school. I have been killing myself trying to read and plan before class starts (August 24th). I am only teaching 2 classes so I will still be a stay-at-homer for the majority of my days.
7. I am still going to go back to school for my masters... soon, though I am not as on top of that as I should be.
8. I am becoming waaaaaaaaaay more domesticated than I ever thought I would be. I can do dishes, bake a cake, and breastfeed my son all at the same time. Who'd have thought?
9. I am getting really into making all of my son's baby food from scratch.

As you can see, I am very busy... but not too busy to waste most of my brain on facebook... I am not making any promises, but I will try to do better at this.

Sleepless...

I know it's been a few days.
I had been nervous to write about the fact that I had developed a sleep routine that was actually working for Cohen. He was going down easily and sleeping most of the night. I knew that to mention it would be to jinx it... then, it stopped working on it's own.
Now it is like we are so far past square one, we are in the negative numbers. He has spent the past 2 nights screaming for hours and refusing to be put down. It is horrible.
As a positive, he has been fairly happy throughout the day.
Our pediatrician has no idea how to help us. We are seeing a GI specialist tomorrow. Who knows if that will have any effect.
I keep hearing it might be "normal", but it is hard for me to accept that. He is screaming in pain. There has to be something behind it.
It is hard for me to not blame myself. I have been cutting everything (milk, caffeine, chocolate, spicy food) out of my diet, but nothing is working. It is beyond frustrating.
So, I may never sleep again...